Experiencing mixed feelings or feeling completely blue during the holidays as a bereaved person is to be expected as there is always someone (or multiple people) missing from family or friends gathering around a festive table. Traditions become mixed with sadness and longing.
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Trauma, grief and the holidays
Like any traditional holiday where the expectations are on being grateful, happy, merry or cheerful it is essential to remember that seemingly opposite states can be experienced side by side.
Whether you are in your first year or further along on your grief journey, those expectations can become challenging once you apply them to yourself. You are not operating under normal circumstances. Give yourself the grace to accept and honour what YOU experience.
If you are facing the holidays for the first time since your loss or trauma, this will most likely be even more accentuated.
If you are a ‘seasoned’ griever you might have your previous experience of the holidays to compare with and will be able to point out the potential grief-activating triggers ahead of time.
How should someone face the holidays with grief?
The most important thing to remember is self-care. If you are lucky you might have supportive people around you who know how to truly ‘bridge the grief gap’ (as I call it). Still, only you know how you feel inside and you need to know your limits and be mindful of your body, rather than listening to the ‘I have to’ which are usually mind-based expectations that have little to nothing to do with your current situation.
Practical self-care tips for the holiday griever
- Plan an exit strategy for when situations get too difficult to handle
- Decide whether you want to participate in an event or tradition based on your gut instinct. In some situations it is better not to participate, others might be helpful to the overall state of mind and heart
- Let go of the expectation that people necessarily will understand your limits
Things to look out for
Be aware of the heightened potential of people wanting to proclaim grief myth due to the perceived notion of ‘happy’ holidays needing to be cheerful etc
The first holiday after a loss – how do you deal with grief?
- Integrate the lost loved one in some form: Create a time for reflection, write a letter expressing your feelings and wishes, or choose some new ritual to include them, for example, buy a special ornament.
- Think about what is important to me/us and do not allow the rest of your family to deter you. If needed this might mean creating your own new traditions and rituals aligned with your needs and desires.
- The most important is self-care: plan an exit strategy, say no to what does not feel right or too much to handle, and let other people’s expectations on you go knowing that it is not what you truly need for yourself and your current situation.
Your suggestions count
How about you? What have you noticed to be helpful? Let us know in the comments below. ⬇️