Supporters Resources

Supporters help the bereaved survive this most horrendous time in their lives if they really know how to be supportive. There is nothing more difficult than knowing how and when to support the bereaved.

Graphic by Nathalie Himmelrich

I have heard comments like “Time will heal all wounds” or “Maybe it was for the best”. These comments are uttered when supporters, as well as the bereaved, experience great distress and, are overwhelmed by the situation. Still, these comments cut like a shard of glass.

I heard and read so many bereaved’ unbelievable stories that it is time to educate society on the best things to say and give ideas and suggestions on what to do.

If you want to help anyone, be able to deal with bereavement in a better way.

People were well-meaning but for some reason said the most stupid things. One thing that sticks in my mind: One lady told us: “I know exactly how you feel, the same thing happened to us when our dog died.” ~ Gavin Blue

Resources for supporters of the bereaved

  1. Read the book Bridging the Grief Gap (Published September 2021)
  2. Read the blog post The Complete List Of Do’s And Don’ts When Supporting The Bereaved and adapt it to your specific loss situation.
  3. Consider training as a Grief Recovery Specialist. Find out more here.

Resources for supporters of bereaved parents

  1. Read Chapter 12 in the book Grieving Parents: Surviving Loss as a Couple
  2. Click here to receive the ‘5 Star Support Guide’ for the bereaved parent. You are welcome to share this with your friends and family.
  3. Watch ‘Grief Reflections: Discussions on Parental Bereavement’ to understand different aspects and topics. Find the archive of the discussion here.
  4. Follow Grieving Parents on Facebook

Our blog post, A Complete List of Do’s and Don’ts When Supporting Bereaved Parents, offers additional suggestions that will help you acknowledge the bereaved’s pain (not just bereaved parents), journey, and responses.

Resources for supporters of bereaved through homicide loss

  1. Check out articles from my colleague Katja Faber. Katja is the mother of a 23-year-old son, who was murdered. She calls herself a co-victim of homicide, a murder survivor. Read her article called ‘The challenges faced by homicide loss families’ here.
  2. Read the blog post The Complete List Of Do’s And Don’ts When Supporting The Bereaved and adapt it to your specific loss situation.

General resources

Self-care

Self-care is important for the bereaved and also for you as a supporter. Make sure you look after yourself so you can be a better support to them.

Grief Support by www.grievingparents.net
Circles of Support

Circles of support

Comfort IN, dump OUT

In terms of ‘saying the right thing’ there is a simple rule to follow: Comfort IN, dump OUT. What doest this mean?
Imagine the bereaved couple in the centre of concentric circles, their closest family, siblings, grandparents in the next circle, close friends in the next, other friends and colleagues in the next, acquaintances in the next circle etc.

The rule states that where ever you are, you offer support to the people closer in the circles and you ONLY dump (=complain, cry, protest, say things like “it’s so unfair” or, if at all, use clichés like “it’s for the better”) to the people in the circles to the outside.

[Click on the image for larger picture]

Comfort

Anything you do or say towards the people closer to the centre of the circle needs to be supportive or offer comfort, otherwise don’t say or do it.
Being supportive to the parents or the close family is the best you can do for all of them.

Three simplest things to say:

  • I am sorry for your loss.
  • I am here for you.
  • I don’t know what to say, I’m at a loss for words.

Whatever you do or say, remember these things:

  • Acknowledge the parents
  • Listen but do not try to fix
  • Encourage and give them hope
  • Practice the Art of Presence.

–> Read more in the book Grieving Parents: Surviving Loss as a Couple (Chapter 12)

Dump

Dumping is anything you do or say that makes it more difficult for the parents or the people in a circle closer to the parents than you:

  • excessive crying in front of them
  • whine, moan, complain, compare with other losses
  • make statements like “It’s unfair”, “why you?”
  • use any clichés like “God has a plan”, “it’s all for the better”, “at least he didn’t have to suffer”

Also, do NOT give advice. Even if you feel you have been where the parents’ have been.

Remember that it’s ok to cry or feel “it’s unfair”. You might even talk to someone about the losses you’ve experienced, just say it to someone in your circle or further out.

(Here is where the idea is from)

Grief Support Books

book and cup of coffee

These books are some of my favourite grief support books as well as those authored by me (Nathalie Himmelrich), including a collection of books suggested by members of our peer support group May We All Heal. Please join us here.

When Grief is Raw

Grief & Healing

Creative Healing

For Mothers

For Fathers

Supporting Children

Children’s Books

Spiritual, Religious, Inspirational

Memoirs

Journals

Links on this page are affiliate links – all proceeds go to the Grieving Parents Support Association (GPSA) in order to donate our resource books to parents in need.

Photo by Aga Putra on Unsplash